Friday, August 31, 2012

Why Women stop wanting sex

Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman, where the sex was exciting and often...Only to dwindle out after a few months to a year? I have talked with many women on this subject, and think I may have an idea why that is. In the beginning of a relationship, men are usually very conscious of us, very caring, kind and giving. After the new wears off, men tend to take for granted that we as their mates should know how they feel. The I love yous slow down...The flowers, candy and cards stop all together. No more hand holding and star gazing. Well, women love these kinds of things. Its emotional food for her soul. When it stops, a woman feels he doesn't care as much for her any longer, so why would she want to sleep with you? Quite the opposite is true for men though! It's not that they don't care for us any longer...it's a comfort zone. They don't understand how we feel because men think with their heads not their emotions! We cut off our hand to spite our face in this situation...I'm not an expert (God knows) but it seems to me that if men would wake up and try the friendship again, try to rekindle that spark by showing how much they care...a flower..an occasional card...Leave the bad attitude at the door, women would actually "want" you more frequently. A little piece of advice, Sex to women is about emotional connection..for men it's more physical. Think about this if its not too late...after some time of not getting the emotional support, women will usually find it elsewhere...and women...after some time of withholding sex...men will usually find that elsewhere also! Tit for tat! It's sad but true...it's almost impossible to get that love back once it passes a certain point. There are a few women in this world that don't require alot of emotional stimulation, who love sex as much as men, but we are rare *grin* and it doesn't mean we don't like a flower now and then either...just thought I would throw that in there :)

We also love our hair brushed ;)

28 comments:

  1. Ah but there is the other side. Women get to this point where its like, he should like me just the way I am. They stop making themselves look great. That takes with it that thing they have, I can only describe it as some kind of glow. We see women as a full picture, not nice hair, nor new clothes. So when that 'thing' starts to go, we get into the routine of the comfort zone as you call it.

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    1. I agree 100%..and was just telling someone that very thing yesterday! :)

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  2. I guess I'm weird. I like sex and often. Have I gained weight since we got married? Yep and so has my husband. Do we care? Yes but we love each other and crave the physical part of our relationship. It is crucial for us. Are we rabbits? No we are not. For us, we are best friends and sometimes communication too much. Sometimes, you just need to shut up and let yourself feel for once.

    Marika

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    1. Ahhhhh I love you Marika!! This makes me so happy to read! <3

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  3. A lot to think about here. A loooooot to think about. I need to keep myself up better. Bet that would be hard(er) to resist. And also be nice no matter what, I think men notice that. And when they have an attitude, return it with kindness and love if you know it's not really about you. Which it usually never is, but it can feel that way if we let it. Bet doing all that would grow some interest. There's a lot I can do different to create change. Like show that I care about what he sees like I once did. I know it's different with every relationship. Some women never stop the glowing thing and men get comfortable anyway. I guess it's just kinda natural to get used to. And in those instances, I would think he'd better shape up. Or lose something precious.

    But to me, marriage is in irrevocable contract. And the leave option is out once kids are involved, after that, the "work it out" option is all that's IN. Which means confrontation. Fun fun. But, I realize that kids should not have to pay for our mistakes. If my marriage is failing, why should I destroy their entire family? It's not their fault. When we had children, we formed a family. And it's no longer just a marriage, but a family too. And they need mom and dad as a unit, a team. So, I usually, at the end of committing to leaving, come to my senses and look at my children and think...I can't make them pay for our shit. We need to either work it out, or get over it. When they are older, and my responsibility as a nurturing parent is done, then I'll kick my husband's ass and screw the consequences. But hopefully, by then, I would have figured a way to work out our marriage and fall in love again. All it takes is two things. Willingness. And forgiveness.

    Damn, sorry, I wrote a book.

    P.S. I don't mean to encourage women to stay in abusive relationships. Mine isn't abusive, just the love luster isn't there. And to me, that's not enough to destroy a family over. But it's enough to make some changes. Just my two cents.

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    1. Wow Azure...Im sorry...I hope everything gets worked out...I really do... <3

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  4. There is alot of truth here. Some call it the honeymoon period. But its a two way street. Women want the emotional stimuli you speak of, and truth be told, most men are clueless to its importance. To men, the courtship period has ended, so the boons are no longer required.

    Herein lies the problem. 1.) that men dont understand this and 2.) that women want it. The whole idea that men are 100% responsible for the romance aspect of a relationship is as ridiculous as it is a common belief among women. Candy, Cardmakers and Jewelers bank on this cultural nuance. Men are taught from a young age, this is what romance is. Buying her things. They are shocked, after that honeymoon period ends and romantic efforts begin to fail... See the problem?

    Now, on the otherside, you have the same problem. Women are trained to believe, that is what a man should do for her. Buy her things, give her things, and shower her with affection. But never that she might consider doing the same for her man. Blasphemy!

    I;ve seen, sadly, too many marriage crash upon the rocks, so to speak, and the main complaint from the woman is the lack of romance and from the man... ironically, the same thing. But romance is different for men. Sex in particular is not the same emotional expression for men as it is for women. For men, its a physical expression of love that women dont see as clearly a romantic gesture. They give roses, because society taught them this is romantic and they feel shame for wanting to make love to their wives. OFten, its their wives who say things to encourage that shame. "All he ever wants is sex" . I understand that... now. I didn't when I was a younger man and I'm still far from an expert. But after 20 years of marriage, and looking at its shattered remains... we still hold on, but only now am I beginning to understand that real romance is understanding her needs. Emotionally, spiritually. Unfortunately, a marriage is a 50/50 partnership, no matter how to try to slice it. If his needs aren't met, its doomed. If her needs aren't met, its doomed.

    Once one or the other feels neglected, they shut the other off. Women shut down the sex and men shut down the emotional connection. Both are CRUEL!!!!!!! And yet, we do it all the time.

    Here's a quick real life sample of how we see things differently. Guy comes home from a hard day's work. Wife genuinely asks how his day was. She wants to know all about it. Guy shrugs his shoulders and says it was okay. Wife feels rejected, unsatisfied and kicked aside. Emotionally, he just shut her off. Right? But what she doesn't know is his day was fucking hell and he doesn't want to relive his 12 hour day of misery, just to appease her general curiousity. He wonders how fricking sadistic is she to want him to relive it. does she hate him? Does she thrive on his misery? He doesn't realize she wants to connect with him, to be there with him. So... she nods politely and every day this happens and each day it steals from their love. They are chipping away at their pillar of love, until one or the other can't take it.

    I leave you with this thought. Men like being romanced too. Sex for men is their way of showing you they adore you. And men, open up.. share your heart with her. A little of that goes a long long ways with her! Put her first in your world and she'll likely do the same.. if she doesn't... dump her ass fast! *lol* =oP Women... jump him every now and again, just for his pleasure. It means more emotionally than you could possibly imagine. If he doesn't start to show his appreciation by meeting your emotional needs... dump his ass!!

    Lastly, using sex as a weapon is as brutal and sick as a man beating his wife. I have the scars to prove it. If it gets to that point, just leave him. Its far more humane

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    1. Wow, its very rare to see a man who "gets it"! Everything you said is true, which is probably why I'm single today.

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    2. All so true Brindle. I think most importantly it's about communicating our needs and not assuming they know them.

      I took some great wife classes once. It focused SOLELY on what WE DID as wives, not looking at what husbands were supposed to do. That was difficult at first, I mean right off the bat, I was smirking at the whole WIVES OBEY bullshit. But boy was I in for a surprise. That whole concept of NOT looking at him and START looking at me, is what changed it all. Because I was taught how to make changes by being willing to make the changes in myself first, thereby bringing about the change I sought. What could (I) do to cause him to act differently was the name of this crazy little game, instead of demanding HE make the change before I did, which was where I was in my mind. Man moves first. So, I humbled myself to move that monster in our marriage and WOW is all I can say.

      First assignment I got was to find out from my husband what it was that I could do to show him that I loved him. Rule was, this was a ONE way street at this point, I was NOT to bring up my side of it unless he asked. So, I did. And the answers I got were so simple. Turn off the lights, don't waste food, be nice to me. He didn't even mention sex! But at that point, the subject was so sensitive, we couldn't even talk about it. But I knew what he wanted in that area. He WANTED SEX. It was direct. Or so I THOUGHT I knew that's what he wanted.(revelation came later what he really wanted)

      I learned from that assignment, that even though I KNEW he wanted these things already, I really didn't know they made him feel LOVED and that I CARED. Figured it was a practical thing. And what I learned about MYSELF was that, I didn't really care. I didn't go out of my way to see to these things even though he nagged about them. So, change number one. Show husband I care by remembering to do these simple things. That involved being more aware of what was going on around me. It meant planning meals better. So, the change required work on my part, but I was pleased that I was actually DOING something about something. It felt good.

      Then came the sex thing. I knew that I knew that I knew, I needed to have more sex with him. For me, it was a JUST DO IT kind of thing. And so, I got on my sex Nike's and just DID IT. Even though I HATED doing it! What a WOMAN right? Oh, I just thought I was the shit for such a sacrifice. But my husband crashed my little victory dance when I told him one night in all sincerity..."Guess what? I've decided to have sex with you EVERY night."

      What the hell was I expecting? Bowing at my feet and endless gratitude. What did I get? "Wow. What an obedient cold fish you are."

      WOW. LEAST anticipated words in the entire world. I was speechless. Laid there, speechless. One of the commitments in the class was not to just react when angry, but to be quiet. And wait. And pray. And that's what I did. I did a lot of praying during that time and I got to be pretty close with the dude upstairs. He did some awesome shit for me during this. But what FINALLY dawned on me while I was being quiet, was understanding. My husband wanted me to WANT him. (to be cont below!)

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  5. I think the one thing many forget when it comes to both sides is taking the time to talk. When things change there was to be a reason for it. Sometimes both sides are scared to say something or even embarrassed to talk. Communication is so important, it is the thing that connects two people. Sex is not just sex. You have to know and understand your partner, listen and say what your needs are.

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  6. Pammie Sutton McReynolds PamAugust 31, 2012 4:54 PM
    After reading Brindle's reponse I agree with Ditter...he does get it. Bottom line....it is the same as always....there HAS TO BE OPEN AND FREE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE COUPLE over wants, needs, desires, etc. If the man doesn't know what the woman really needs, he can not fulfill it. He will have no clue and after a while of very little sex or no sex at all, he will just say screw it and go somewhere else. The woman has to be able to share what she needs mentally, emotionally, and sexually. And the man has to communicate his wants, needs, and desires as well. If he doesn't want to rehash the days events at work then he should very lovingly tell her this and why. Yes, this is not how a man thinks or acts usually but this relationship is a two way street and there has to be give and take. Two people can not live comfortably in the same space without total and honest communication. If the man wants and needs something, he should express it and they should discuss this. The woman should do this as well. After all, if this is a relationship based and founded on love, shouldn't you want to give to each other what is important? 37 years has taught me a lot...I know people may get tired of hearing that and think I think I am an expert....no way. I have just been very blessed that the one I loved never walked out on me because I wasn't meeting his needs. And I have been EXTREMELY blessed that I woke up and began to enjoy the fruits of that passion. There is no better way to express your love than to be wrapped around the body of the one you love and who loves you enough to give back. Thanks Ditter for this subject and thank you Brindle for sharing and understanding.

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    1. I reposted it for you Pammie.... Bless you for commenting...

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  7. And I'm like OHHHH FUCK! Oh fuck cause I'm SOOOOO DOOOOMED. I knew how to make myself have sex but I SURE AS HELL didn't know how to make myself WANT to have it!!! I mean COME ON!

    So, I did the only thing I could. I went to the man upstairs and had a very frank conversation with Him. "Look. I can only do so much. If I'm supposed to WANT to have sex, then you're going to HAVE TO HELP me want it." I hated for my breasts to be touched. Despised it. And of course, what did my husband love touching the most? I honestly thought it was demonic of him to crave the very thing I hated, seriously. But I didn't doubt God could give me what I asked. And so, I put in my petition and waited. I would do my part, the having the sex, and God would do His part and make me like it. And God answered that prayer. And the first thing that helped me begin to like sex, was when I found out another lil somethin about my husband. Having sex with me, was how he expressed his love to me and for me. He didn't just want pleasure, he wanted to SHARE pleasure with the woman he loved and my God, he wanted to do that OFTEN. Suddenly, it went from, you're a horny bastard that only cares about getting your dick off, to, you're a man raging with passion for me! His WIFE!!! The correction in my THINKING and understanding began to change the chemicals in my body! Slowly but surely, I began to love sex. I began to love my body. I began to love HIS body. I began to love the PENIS of all things! No, I hated it before that! Devil worm.

    To this day, my nipples are the most arousing stimulation on my body, whereas before, it was the most detested!!!

    Now, to show what my change did to him.

    There was a graduation for the class after the 6 weeks. We were to ask our husbands if they would care to come and give a testimony about how the classes I took effected him. I knew before I asked what he'd say. He's an extremely private man and I knew he'd never go for it. WRONG again. He said, "sure, I'll do it."

    I stood there, mouth open, shocked once again. Next thing that hit me was fear. "What-are you going to say?" Cause I'm thinking, I wasn't an angel the whole time I was trying out this class. And I didn't want to have to hear him tell everybody how bad I did some days!

    So, we go to the class and my husband gets up in front of THE WHOLE CLASS and tells how the classes HELPED HIM. He said he'd given up on things changing. Even at first, he was scared to hope, but then when he saw I was seriously trying, he couldn't help but try too. It made him want to try again! ME! I did that! All by changing ME.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with us...You are such an incredible woman! Much love to you!

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  8. Such an awesome blog. And I truly love the comments. I think deep down we all know what we need to do, it's just a matter of following through. You all have really opened my eyes on a lot of valid points. And for that, I thank each and every one of you.

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  9. Thank you Denise! I always learn from the comments!

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  10. It is always great to get a man's pov. thank you Brindle. The newness of a relationship is always the icing that covers the cake. When the relationship goes further where you either move in together or get married is when you "see" the person for who they really are. It will either make that attraction stronger or it will kill it. You find out how well they treat others, what their goals are or are not, how lazy they really are, how angry they can be, how needy they are etc. the list goes on so I you get the point. These are things that will make the attraction you once had fall off the cliff. When a woman is in a long term committed relationship her attraction for her significant other is emotional not just attraction to the act itself. If a man or woman shows themselves to be someone else it will kill any attraction they held for that person. This doesn't always happen and those of us who still have this attraction have been blessed in a relationship. Bottom line is ..it is easy to find that what you found attractive isn't so attractive anymore. It is not all about flowers and candy although I must say it is nice that my husband still buys me stuff out of the blue because he loves me and that does buy him some brownie points..

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    1. Flowers and candy wasnt meant to be literal..it was an example lol...but I agree with you 100%, which is something I personally have learned over the years..
      Thank you for commenting Sheri!! <3

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    2. Women want sex with the man they found attractive to begin with not the man who later became unattractive. But men feel that if a woman doesn't want sex it is because he is not attractive when it is not his body that is not attractive it is the way he acts. They just don't get it..

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    3. Oh Sheri..How true that is! I was trying to get that point across last night...

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  11. Wow! So much food for thought in the post and the comments. My anniversary is coming up and as my husband and I reach year seven I've been thinking a lot about what it takes to maintain a strong marriage. For us communication is key. We agreed early on that neither of us is a mind reader. There are still days when we miss the mark and misunderstandings happen but guess what? They happen in any close relationship. Who hasn't wanted to trade their parents in for cooler models or toss a sibling down a flight of stairs for taking something without asking? When I feel like clobbering my other half with a cast iron skillet I remind myself that there are two sides to every argument and that I really don't want to dent my skillet with his hard head. :D

    BTW, Azure I just want to applaud you for being so open.

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    1. Thank you Elle! I'm so glad you stopped in! I agree Azure's comment was food for the soul! By the way, I love Wynters Blossom..jus sayin :)

      Ps. Cast iron skillets are so hard to come by these days :)

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  12. Everything you said was spot on...wow!! Lately, I'm the one that wants it more than Hubs. Guess l need to work on it!!

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  13. Not much I can add to the chorus of voices, however, its paramount BOTH people work at the relationship. When it becomes a one-sided affair, or when one partner begins to withhold intimacy, affection, etc, it's a recipe for failure.

    I've been married for 20 years, together 25 with my DW. Sure we weathered tumultuous times and survived the dreaded martial doldrums. Why? The three C's:

    Communication

    Compassion

    Compromise

    Thus far, it has served us well. Being able to articulate your needs, work out a compatible solution and having empathy for your loved one's feeling, goes a helluva long way towards reconciliation.

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