Friday, June 21, 2013

Win a t-shirt from Laurann Dohner!



     This is a writing contest. This week we will be doing a comedy skit. It can be a sex scene, a romantic scene or just straight up comedy. Make it funny and let's try and keep it short. The most humorous one win! The contest will run through next Friday night at midnight eastern time. Good luck and happy writing!

23 comments:

  1. We rolled across the bed almost falling off the king size bed. He nips my neck hard making me wet between my thighs. O'h how I love when he does that. I grab his long braided hair pulling him wear I want his lips to travel across my body, from my neck to breast, down my belly to the place that beckoned him for his touch. My hand grab the curtains hard so not to rake his back. The curtains fall letting the sun shine though. "Oops." I said. "Looks like the neighbor gets to watch now."
    My love stands to put the curtains back up and... "Shit..." he yells. The fan above our bed hits him in the forehead.
    By the way this is a true story. It happened to my hubby and me one afternoon. Mood killer all the way.

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  2. from a book i'm writing that ill probably NEVER publish yay cause i mean lets face it..who'd really read it? lol. anyways: "I guess some background info is required? I’m not really sure of proper “biography” etiquette.. One..I’ve never read one. And two..I don’t really care for proper. First…I am obsessed with Pokemon. Now before you judge it’s the first one hundred fifty one I’m obsessed with…not this one hundred fifty two thru what are they up to now? Six hundred and some change? Right first bit about me. Check. Next bit.. I’m also obsessed with anything Storm Trooper. Secondly…I love nail polish. I make my own with two of the best people I know, besides Courtshort and AJ. Which reminds me…I should probably text them as I haven’t in like months. Annnyways… For now, I’ll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 (Elizabeth aka Elizabitch and Chrissie my 5 day best friend. We’ll get back to that story later). Or perhaps I’ll just refer to these two chickadees..as they are more aptly titled Deans Creepy Stalker and CoralHugger. We’ll get back to them….eventually. Back to me. I know this might sound stupid. I mean seriously ridiculously stupid. Wait, tangent. You know in the movie You’ve Got Mail? Tom Hanks. Yes him. Mr. Dreamy. With the Mr. Dreamy voice? Cast Away extraordinaire? While I’m writing this I DEFINITELY have his voice in my head…narrating for me. Cheering for me. Telling me to take this book to the mattress. Or something. Whatever maybe I’ll watch that movie again. Thanks Tom. Seriously, no sarcasm this time. Well..there hasn’t really been any sarcasm yet. You can’t really plan sarcasm it kind of just happens. Anyways back to whatever I was talking about first. Nail plolish. Check. Two friends…yeah boom done. Oh just random stuff since I’ve tip toed on how to continue. Diving on in hmm..? I read a ton of books. I MEAN A TON. Amazon should send me a gift card, seriously. I filled someone’s gas tank for a straight year with how much I’ve spent. You guys owe me. You’re probably wondering why in the hell I’m talking about Amazon and gift cards and the receiving of them and whatnot…well all the books I read now are purchased from Amazon and read on my Iphone. How this fits in? Well.. I’m not sure but bear with me. Yay. You know how you read a book description? And it sounds FANTASTIC. You buy it….the cover is AMAZING and you’re just so pumped only to…wait? Find its first person…and the author isn’t particularly good at first person? Yeah this is gonna play out like one of those books. Really CRAPPY first person. BUT. There is hope earth. Is that earth or Earth? Oh well..I’m sure the editor will butcher this to hell. Odd Justin Timberlakes Wanna Touch Your Body BLAH BLAH or whatever the hell it’s called just started playing in my head. Nice. Back to “there is hope…blaaaah blah yadda yadda”. There will be NO spelling mistakes. Because one, that just pisses me off in books I read. Two, words will not be left out. Sentences will flow…somewhat. I hate when I read a book and it’s just a train wreck..as awkward as a fifth grade dance..yeah EDWARD. Can’t believe I read that shit. SMHH"

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    1. ah hell i didnt see the keep it short part. :(

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    2. That's fine lol Thank you for participating!!!

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  3. Alli sat at the small table overlooking the parking lot. Her lap top sat on the table in front of her. She sipped at a disposable container containing mostly ice and when she did it made that sucking noise that reminds one that you need to add liquid. Mostly she just stared at the screen on the laptop. That is until A Marine in uniform entered. Then she stared at him. He smiled at her as he caught her gaze. Alli blushed and looked back at the laptop.
    For the next 30 minutes Alli shared her attention between the Laptop and the Marine. Josh Crossman spent as much time watching Alli as he did looking for the book he had been sent to get. Once he found it he moved towards Alli. His smile was totally breath taking and he used it to great effect. “Watching a movie?”
    Alli blushed again. “No just “ she paused not sure what exactly to say. “I am trying to write a comic sketch or at least a humorous scene for a blog.”
    Josh pulled out the chair beside her. “You haven't typed a single thing as far as I could tell. Writer's block?”
    Now Alli's cheeks turned a bright pink. “something like that.” she muttered looking back at the laptop.
    “Now I am told I am a funny guy. Let me see what you have so far. Maybe I can help” before Alli had a chance to stop him he reached over and turned the screen so that he could read it. Josh blinked. Then turned to look at the pretty young woman. Turning back to the blank screen he grinned. “Think maybe a cup of coffee might help your writing?”
    Alli grinned. “Couldn't hurt” She stood and folded the laptop up. “I guess I am just not the humorous sort.”
    Josh stood and took the laptop, “maybe we'll find something to laugh about together.”
    Alli nodded and could not help the laughter that escaped, “I sure hope so.”

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  4. The Phone Call

    The ringing of his phone woke him up. Turning over to look at the clock with blurry eyes, it was just a little after 2 am. He grab up the phone to see who was calling so late, or early depending on how you look at it. Sam’s picture was on the screen.

    “Hey, baby girl. You okay?”

    “OMG! My date was a total jack hat! You will just not believe what a tool this guy was. I’m going to swear off dating all together, if this is one of the fish in the pond of eligible men has to offer.” Sam's southern drawl was agitated. Sam’s momma was a true southern bell, who said it was low class for a lady to use “unsavory language”. It was a lesson that Sam took to heart and it always brought a smile to his face when she used her ladylike version of cussing.

    “So, what happened on your blind date? Do I need to go beat the gentlemen into someone?” and he total would, no one messed with his girl, ever. But, Alex’s southern momma raised him to treat all women with respect.

    A small sigh came over the line. “Well, for starters! He tried to put his paw on my leg before the waitress had even gotten our drink order. You know I do not play that way! Like he thought blind date meant easy, desperate date. Flicking Butt Monkey!” He could tell she was just getting warmed up now.

    “Then, this turnip head said he expected me to be “way hotter” with the way his friend described me. Like I’m some troll out from under my bridge! Cause he was just the cat’s meow, not!”

    “Honey, you are gorgeous. This guy is a dick, looking for a cheap woman. You are way too good for this asshole.” You’re perfect for me, if I could only convince you of that, the thought whispered thru Alex’s mind.

    “OH! And then on the way to the theater, he patted me on the butt and said he liked to bend me over his car! What the fruitcake! Where did this penis head come from to think he could talk to women that way?!”

    Alex loved her take on what the fuck; this guy had really riled her up. “Sounds like he is in need of ass kicking of epic proportion. Want me to bring the end of the world to this prick?"

    “No.” Sam laughed. “You always make me feel better. You have a true gift.”

    “How about we do dinner tomorrow and then a movie?” a plan forming in his mind.

    “Sure, what time do you want to meet?”

    “Come by around 6 and we will head out to Jake’s for some fried catfish.” Alex knew that Sam loved fried food.

    “Oh, yum! I can’t wait. See you then, and thanks for letting me vent about my pickle headed date.”

    “No problem, baby girl. I’m always here for you and I always will be. See ya' later.” I love you, was left unsaid for now.

    “Bye, Alex. Good night and sweet dreams.” Sam said softly.

    “Night, Sam. Sweet dreams.” Alex slides his finger across the screen and ended the call. He drifted back to sleep with plans to make his date with Sam perfect. He wanted to be Sam’s best date, friend, confidant, lover… just her everything, like she was for him.

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  5. sorry if it's a little long, looks long than the 450'ish words that it is. kinda spaced it out on the copy and past. sorry:(

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  6. I trimmed this down to 504 words. Hope it's not too long. (cringing... please don't reach for that New Species Law book)


    "Oh, just kill me and get it over with!" She screamed out in desperation before dropping her forehead against his hard chest. "Please don’t shred me piece by piece and eat me alive," Lydia whimpered, completely defeated, the image of sharp blades disappearing back into his forearms still fresh in her mind. Begging seemed like her only option.
    She took a deep breath. Oh my! Humungous bastard smells good.
    "Do not fear me, little female. I will never hurt you." He drew his head back and ordered, "Look at me."
    Lydia peeked up at him. His former expression had disappeared. Anger and annoyance had been replaced by lust and desire. Pale tan colored eyes, filled with needy determination, stared back at her. She noticed how his lips were too close to her own. Her mind registered that he was actually quite handsome for a tall, dark and dangerous alien. Damn, he smelled wonderful too and those lips of his seemed soft and inviting.
    She almost kissed him before she came out from under his spell. Putting her hands flat against his chest she pushed away as far as he would allow. It was less than an inch but it helped her gain some control. She absolutely could not let him lure her that way.
    "You’re not going to hurt me?" Her voice quivered. Dammit! The last thing she wanted was to let him know for sure just how scared she was. He terrified her in many ways.
    "Never." The corners of his lips turned up into a wolfish grin. "But I will discover if you taste as good as you smell, very soon." Her entire body trembled at his words. Maybe she was on the menu after all. Mr. Demanding appeared very determined. The bastard chuckled, as if he knew some deep secret. "You will feel no pain when I taste you, only pleasure."
    Oh no! He couldn’t really mean that he was going to… well, actually ‘taste’ her there?
    She was a jumble of emotions. Fear was at the top. But her traitorous body was reacting to his words. A clenching spasm curled deep inside her, sending moist warmth shooting to her core. How could she respond to this Neanderthal so strongly?
    Be afraid, Lydia. Be very afraid, she scolded herself. Look, see? He has sharp fangs, like a vampire. And he has pointy teeth on his lower jaw, just barely hidden by that sexy bottom lip.
    No! Not vampire at all! He’s some kind of man-beast alien and he wants to do you. He wants to use that scary mouth on you. The horny son-of-a-bitch intends to screw you, she screamed mentally. Oh, god! Her body wanted it and her mind wasn’t helping the situation at all.
    "What is your name?"
    My name? What is my name? Why does he want to know that? He expects you to answer him, you idiot. Say a name!
    "Lydia," she croaked out, finally remembering the correct answer.
    "Lydia," he repeated, still smiling. "A nice name."


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  7. I am not very good a story telling, but I would love to win a t-shirt for the Great Mrs. Dohner. but here is a saying my husband was telling me since this weekend we will finally be alone YAY!!!! he says look honey , take off all your clothes and go up on the roof and I am going to run around the house three times when I say go you jump off and land on my face ok..i could just picture us doing that and scaring the neighbors blind LOL ( sorry not too funny, but hey I tried)

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  8. The room was dark, save for the soft glow of the candle on the dresser. Emotions and long forgotten fears filtered through my mind as he loomed over me with lust filled eyes. I haven't been with a man since my divorce five years ago. Dinner and a movie was the plan, how the fuck did I end up here? He lowered his head and licked my nipple, placing small kisses down my stomach towards, Oh my God thank goodness I shaved my shit before I came over. He latched on with such intensity hitting the right spot. Unwelcome thoughts surfaced. What if he doesn't like my body..oh God what if I fart in his face..Where the hell did that come from? I pushed the thoughts aside and started to relax and enjoy the ride as he came up for air and entered me. Out of nowhere, something shattered and it wasn't me. I was thrown to the other side of the bed and rolled on the floor. Oh fuuuuck we broke the bed. He flipped on the light and was standing there staring at me obviously not in the mood anymore and all I could do was laugh and think, well, at least I didn't fart in his face.

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    2. You just made me choke on my subway cookie. This is great :)If I asked you to expand on this piece, would you do it?

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    3. Wow thanks Kelsey! I was actually inspired by a true story ..not mine though lol.. and I am definitely not a writer but I would certainly give it a shot as soon as I get a chance..Sorry about the cookie :)

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    4. That was great. You should try out writing. I would be happy to read anything you send my way :)

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    5. My study group loved it too... After I choked they wanted to know why so they read it... You officially have a fan club for your writing

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    6. LOL..thank you! I will try to add to it as soon as I can. There is a tad bit more to the story to finish it off.

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    8. Part 2

      As I lay there laughing, it took all of about 15 seconds for me to realize this was the first time I've seen him naked. He stood there in all his glory with a what the fuck look on his face. I could feel the next wave of laughter looming within as I took in the sight before me. He was standing there with a hand on his hip and a now limp dick, so not sexy..gay looking actually, but damn he knows how to use that magic tongue of his. Holy shit my ex never made me feel like that, What have I been missing out on all these years "It's not funny" he said. The looming laughter made it's way to the surface and I fucking lost it. The harder I laughed the more irritated he became. Oh my God, I am going to pee on myself. And was he really mad about his old ass, antique bed or the fact that he didn't get to finish? Feeling I may be wet for a different reason I reached for the sheet to cover myself and proceeded to get my fat ass off the floor. The long forgotten fears filtered their way to the surface, he will never want to see me again, I must have looked like a crazy woman sprawled on his floor. I pushed my hair aside and adjusted the sheet around my body, ready to deal with the disappointment that was such a part of me. He walked toward me with the grim reaper look on his face "I need to build us a new bed, a stronger one."

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    9. well I'm officially the new leader of your fan club... There are not many people that can write something and make me laugh with their story but you did it. There are probably about 4 authors that genuinely make me laugh out loud with their work Ditter and Laurann being two of the people on that list. A lot of people can tell a story and make their audience laugh but not everyone can write a story and make their audience laugh. You just hurtled you really large task

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    10. Thank you Kelsey..Ditter and Laurann are amazing! The funny part for me is that a lot of women think that way. I am soo glad you enjoyed it.

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  9. The Movie Goer

    What makes a movie the best is going there with my mom. My friend, my mom, and I went to the movies to go see The Waterhorse and there was this dog snipping and barking the entire movie and the monster slurped it up. When the movie was over, my friend and I were talking about how he ate that dog like it was nothing and my mom goes I was glad that thing ate that dog, he was so annoying! lol It made us laugh big time to hear her say that when she is usually so sweet and soft spoken. I was expecting her to say she felt bad for the puppy but she was in glee that the dog would no longer annoy the world anymore.....she was proud of that monster.

    But the fun with movies doesn't end there, our trio went to go see Enchanted in Chattanooga which we usually don't go to the Rave so we weren't really used to the layout of the theater so halfway into the movies, my mom excused herself to go to the bathroom and it got to be twenty minutes and I nudged my friend and told her I wanted to check on my mom. Well, I went to the bathroom and no one was there and then I noticed another theater playing Enchanted and found my mom sitting by her lonesome. We went back to our original seating but she told me I was wondering why they were showing the same part again. I cracked up big time as well as my friend did. We are lucky they didn't kick us out of the theater.

    But not only does this movie goer makes us laugh at the movies, watch out for her driving. She has a little bit of road rage. She isn't the fastest driver but if anyone speeds by her, she will exclaim a favorite movie quote of hers. "Fly my pretties, fly." Believe me that is so embarrassing. But I have to admit definitely funny.

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