Monday, February 24, 2014

Relationships according to Ditter

So, I was talking with a friend this morning about relationships and how they have changed over the years. The excitement, challenge, the thrill of the chase. Not long into the conversation we discovered some similarities in ourselves that didn't bode well with either of us.
When my grandmother was alive, she would tell me stories about her life of dating, relationships and marriage. Men and women were different back then, I get that, but deep down I believe we are still the same animal, just playing a new game.
And before anyone gets a case of bunched up panties, this is just my opinion. Everyone is entitled to one.
I believe it's a natural instinct for a man to be alpha (most men, not all) and they seek the chase, the challenge. Like a wolf stalking it's prey. It creates a measure of pride for them to conquer and take the prize over other men.
Perhaps I should have been born a man. Over the years I have seen that same trait in myself. There is something about the game...the dance...the sparring...the calculated risks, and in the end...the victory.
Now, with that said..I must confess I have a submissive side to me, maybe I am searching for one who is alpha enough to master me.
I realize I have issues, I think a lot of us do. I believe mine started at an early age. I have skated through life stepping over a good man to get to a bad one.  Ahhhh the bad boy syndrome. There is nothing sexier than a tough guy with an alpha nature, who doesn't have his shit together. Insane? Yes, of course....but hot? Absolutely! I could probably use a shrink for that, but there it is.
In the scheme of things, my way of thinking is no doubt screwed up ten ways to Sunday. But in order to change that, I would need to change me..and I kinda like me just as I am.
I have been single for quite some time now. I don't date and I don't participate in any type of sexual activity. Do I miss it? Of course. But I am not willing to dance with just anyone. I need a certain amount of Freak to interest me, challenge me and satisfy me. A strong, alpha type with brains, who can rock my level of weirdness. My freak nature demands it.
There is nothing sexier than being dominated by an alpha male. Not to confuse that with a controlling male. There is a difference...a BIG difference.
I was raised to believe that a man was head of his home. Not higher than his mate, but stronger. I still believe in that. Men sometimes are better decision makers due to the fact they think with their head and not their heart. I am an emotional decision maker. I write with emotion, I speak with emotion and I think with emotion. That in itself is a guaranteed bad decision in the making.
Do I need a man to complete me? Not at all. I love myself and am very happy with who and what I am. Do I miss that closeness with another person? Yes, I can honestly say at times, I do. But I won't settle for anything less than what I want.
As far as dating goes? Well, that is up in the air at this time. I have considered dating again, but would it be beneficial for me? I have a goal in my life that I'm currently reaching for and perhaps dating would waver my focus. And that is not an option for me at this time. If it's someone I'm not completely in to, that may be doable...but at what cost? And how unfair would it be to risk hurting someone else to appease your own selfish needs? Yeah...doesn't sound very appealing, does it?
If you have a good relationship...and that person really rings your bell, then put some work into making them just as happy...but if you are in a relationship and something is missing...something isn't feeding your desires, no matter how freaky those particular desires may be...You're spinning your wheels. If your partner doesn't fulfill you, make you laugh, make you feel wanted, challenge you and rock you sexually...(Unless there is a medical reason) than maybe you should examine yourself more closely. Ask yourself this...What do I really want in life? What is the ultimate goal? Money? Fame? Religion? Family? Whatever your situation, your dream...take a good look around you and decide...Are you on the right track...are they supporting you and standing behind you? Or holding you back for their own selfish reasons?
As for me...I will continue to write and live my dream. Will I go after the one I want? You can bet your ass I will.
Be happy,
Ditter Kellen~

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Coming out of the closet...

  So, today I had some errands to office, bank, etc etc..and I ran into someone I went to school with. During her chatter and gum popping session, she informed me of an old friend of ours that *Came out of the closet* Okay, first of all...I could give a shit and secondly, this affects me how?
    I would like to go on record as saying...If you are not in my bed, it's none of my business who you are sleeping with.
    I left Miss. High and mighty standing in a puddle of her own misery and drove to the cafe in town to have lunch. I couldn't seem to get that phrase out of my head, or the fact that she'd used it with such disdain. It caused me to reflect on my own life. There are many closets to emerge from and I realized I had recently busted up out of one myself. I think I have always known I had issues, but like most people, I summed them up as insecurity and self doubt.
    I ran across a video recently that was, well...different and.inappropriate to say the least. But instead of moving on to something else, I watched it again. and discovered I liked it. .And that's okay.
    I have changed so much over the last two years, it boggles my mind. I feel like a butterfly just developing her wings. I have a strength that amazes me at times, which I've always had...just not to this degree and it grows with each passing day.
    In my younger years, I grew up in a very religious atmosphere and was taught to love your neighbor as yourself. I still's instilled in me and I'm happy about that. I was taught to respect others, put your brother first and if you had it to loan, you had it to give. I'm grateful to my parents for the way they raised me. I feel it made me a better person.
    I'm going to rewind back a few years to age eleven, when I experienced love at first sight. I know what you're thinking...a child that young doesn't know love on that level, but I did. We had visited church one Sunday morning, and I followed my mother up front to the second row. I could hear a guitar playing, but was too busy looking around, checking people out to notice who played it.
    We took a seat and I looked up...right at the guy playing the guitar, and I fell head over heels in love. It was like the breath left my body and butterflies erupted inside my stomach. My face felt hot and I couldn't move..I was literally frozen in my seat.
    After a long moment, I leaned over and asked my mother if she knew who he was. She told me his name and who his parents were. I looked up at her and said, "I'm going to marry him someday." I quickly became obsessed and lingered in that state of mind for many years.
    You see, the love of my life was eight years older than me and viewed me as a child. It broke my heart, but I stayed strong...and the love I had only intensified.
 Fast forward a few years...You guessed it, I grew up and finally got what I had always wanted. Him. We dated for years without sleeping together. We were going to wait until we married. Not long before that was to take place, we broke our number one rule and caved. I have to say, it was beautiful and I will never forget it, but it ruined our relationship. You see, he was a minister's son and that was highly frowned upon. It wasn't long after that, we broke up. I thought I was going to die. I couldn't eat, sleep or even think. My life would forever be changed.
Fast forward a few years. So, I had moved away and still couldn't eat. I'd began taking drugs and drinking in excess. The only way for me to function, was to be buzzed and running wide I didn't have to think.
I met a man who fell in love with me the same way I had fell in love with my first. I married him...knowing I could never give him that part of myself that belonged to another. It lasted five years.
 After our divorce I had no intention of ever marrying again. I partied, worked three jobs and lived wide open. I blamed him for our divorce (He had an affair). As I look back, I blamed every failed relationship on the other party. When in all reality, it was me all along. I could never give one hundred percent of myself to a relationship when my heart was still holding on to the past.
Fast forward several more years. So, my mom had a stroke. I packed up and stayed with her in the hospital for well over a month. I come out of her room one day and nearly collided in the hall with my first love. It was just as I had always thought it would be. To make a long story short, we talked...we dated, moved in together and yes...I married him.
We divorced a year later. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I bet you regret it now." ...No, I don't. I'm glad it happened...Because I was finally able to let him go. I now have peace in my heart. You see, it took me going back and living out what I thought I had always wanted, to know it wasn't really what I wanted at all. When someone hurts us, leaves us, or doesn't love us on the same level as we do them, it does something to our pride. It's like you are constantly trying to measure up, trying to prove yourself to them...and it's damn near impossible to move past. I wasn't in love with him all those years...That young girl he'd hurt so badly was still in love with the idea of him. It took me marrying him to understand it. It's been a few years now and I'm happier than I have ever been. I am still evolving. I've re-established myself, published five books and I love me. I want things, that I will go after heart and soul to get. My tastes have changed, my outlook on life and I am driven like I have never been before. So, there's my closet. I've closed the door on it and I am finally living.
If you feel something missing inside yourself, examine it...Don't be afraid of it. Get to know YOU. You can't love anyone else, until you love yourself first.

Ember Learns. The Seeker 2 is now on amazon!

From USA Today recommended Author Ditter Kellen comes Ember Learns. Book 2 in The Seeker serial. See what readers are raving about!

He flinched. “You have it all wrong.”
“Then why don’t you tell me, Angel? Or is that even your real name?”
He stepped closer until she could feel the heat from his body, smell that wonderful scent that made her want to sink her teeth into him.
She stood immobile as he leaned in slowly, barely brushing her lips with his. After everything she’d been through tonight, it amazed her; she still felt attraction for him—this stranger who in all likelihood was a copycat serial killer.

                                                                   Amazon buy link

Friday, February 7, 2014

Callie's Story by Jean Joacham did a number on me!

I met Jean Joacham in one of my book groups a couple of years ago. At that time, there were two books in the Now and Forever series. I read them both, and as a result, she had to hide from me for a couple of days. *Laughs* I'll never forget it. And I'll never forget that story. I saw Jean today in another book group and reminded her of how those books affected me. They broke my heart, pissed me off, tickled my funny bone and made me fall in love.
     Well, Jean informed me today, she has three more books in that series now. I will be starting on the rest soon.. I asked her permission to share that story with you and she was happy to oblige. And, the good news is...Book one, Now and Forever, Callie's story is FREE right now, so grab it up!
     Thank you Jean Joacham for being such a good sport and not hating me for chasing you around with a bat! :) :) Love you, Lady!

Callie's story FREE!

                         All of the books in the series can be found on her website along with the blurbs!

"A heart melting story of love, trust and letting go."
            Ditter Kellen