So, today I had some errands to run...post office, bank, etc etc..and I ran into someone I went to school with. During her chatter and gum popping session, she informed me of an old friend of ours that *Came out of the closet* Okay, first of all...I could give a shit and secondly, this affects me how?
I would like to go on record as saying...If you are not in my bed, it's none of my business who you are sleeping with.
I left Miss. High and mighty standing in a puddle of her own misery and drove to the cafe in town to have lunch. I couldn't seem to get that phrase out of my head, or the fact that she'd used it with such disdain. It caused me to reflect on my own life. There are many closets to emerge from and I realized I had recently busted up out of one myself. I think I have always known I had issues, but like most people, I summed them up as insecurity and self doubt.
I ran across a video recently that was, well...different and.inappropriate to say the least. But instead of moving on to something else, I watched it again. and discovered I liked it. .And that's okay.
I have changed so much over the last two years, it boggles my mind. I feel like a butterfly just developing her wings. I have a strength that amazes me at times, which I've always had...just not to this degree and it grows with each passing day.
In my younger years, I grew up in a very religious atmosphere and was taught to love your neighbor as yourself. I still do...it's instilled in me and I'm happy about that. I was taught to respect others, put your brother first and if you had it to loan, you had it to give. I'm grateful to my parents for the way they raised me. I feel it made me a better person.
I'm going to rewind back a few years to age eleven, when I experienced love at first sight. I know what you're thinking...a child that young doesn't know love on that level, but I did. We had visited church one Sunday morning, and I followed my mother up front to the second row. I could hear a guitar playing, but was too busy looking around, checking people out to notice who played it.
We took a seat and I looked up...right at the guy playing the guitar, and I fell head over heels in love. It was like the breath left my body and butterflies erupted inside my stomach. My face felt hot and I couldn't move..I was literally frozen in my seat.
After a long moment, I leaned over and asked my mother if she knew who he was. She told me his name and who his parents were. I looked up at her and said, "I'm going to marry him someday." I quickly became obsessed and lingered in that state of mind for many years.
You see, the love of my life was eight years older than me and viewed me as a child. It broke my heart, but I stayed strong...and the love I had only intensified.
Fast forward a few years...You guessed it, I grew up and finally got what I had always wanted. Him. We dated for years without sleeping together. We were going to wait until we married. Not long before that was to take place, we broke our number one rule and caved. I have to say, it was beautiful and I will never forget it, but it ruined our relationship. You see, he was a minister's son and that was highly frowned upon. It wasn't long after that, we broke up. I thought I was going to die. I couldn't eat, sleep or even think. My life would forever be changed.
Fast forward a few years. So, I had moved away and still couldn't eat. I'd began taking drugs and drinking in excess. The only way for me to function, was to be buzzed and running wide open...so I didn't have to think.
I met a man who fell in love with me the same way I had fell in love with my first. I married him...knowing I could never give him that part of myself that belonged to another. It lasted five years.
After our divorce I had no intention of ever marrying again. I partied, worked three jobs and lived wide open. I blamed him for our divorce (He had an affair). As I look back, I blamed every failed relationship on the other party. When in all reality, it was me all along. I could never give one hundred percent of myself to a relationship when my heart was still holding on to the past.
Fast forward several more years. So, my mom had a stroke. I packed up and stayed with her in the hospital for well over a month. I come out of her room one day and nearly collided in the hall with my first love. It was just as I had always thought it would be. To make a long story short, we talked...we dated, moved in together and yes...I married him.
We divorced a year later. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I bet you regret it now." ...No, I don't. I'm glad it happened...Because I was finally able to let him go. I now have peace in my heart. You see, it took me going back and living out what I thought I had always wanted, to know it wasn't really what I wanted at all. When someone hurts us, leaves us, or doesn't love us on the same level as we do them, it does something to our pride. It's like you are constantly trying to measure up, trying to prove yourself to them...and it's damn near impossible to move past. I wasn't in love with him all those years...That young girl he'd hurt so badly was still in love with the idea of him. It took me marrying him to understand it. It's been a few years now and I'm happier than I have ever been. I am still evolving. I've re-established myself, published five books and I love me. I want things, that I will go after heart and soul to get. My tastes have changed, my outlook on life and I am driven like I have never been before. So, there's my closet. I've closed the door on it and I am finally living.
If you feel something missing inside yourself, examine it...Don't be afraid of it. Get to know YOU. You can't love anyone else, until you love yourself first.