The Neighbor Chronicles--By Ditter Kellen


83 comments:

  1. MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2012

    The Neighbor Chronicles....:D
    So, My Neighbor, bless his heart, has a floating eye. Having no idea, I took it to heart when he wouldn't wave back, or acknowledge the bird I sent him first thing in the morning! I tried everything, even went so far as to step outside in my sexiest ensemble! Nothing, Nada! Hmmmm what to do now? Several ideas floated through my mind, which got discarded immediately. I decided to borrow something, but what? Sugar? Too cliche'...Hmm bum a smoke? Too Ghetto...A rake? Too 90210...Then it hit me...Battery cables! So...I walk over with the mission impossible music in my head, and knock! His little tiny foreign wife answers the door! She doesn't speak English! WTF do I do now? So, I end up doing charades on her front porch, trying to make her understand I need battery cables! She comes out with everything from an extension cord, to a crock pot 0_o (Don't ask). I finally wave her off with my apologies for disturbing her and trot back to my domain! So, Halloween rolls around, and my opportunity is finally here!! I grab the Boys hand, and we walk over to Trick or Treat the rude and unfeeling neighbor! They had the porch decorated to the nine baby, I was impressed! Dodging the fake spiders, I ring the bell. She comes out first and deposits the candy in the Boys fabulous skull bag (I proudly made him)! He finally steps out behind her and we make eye contact...All three of us!!! I was mortified! Unsure of which eye to look at, I stared at her, talking in rapid fire! After removing the foot from my mouth, I backed out of the fake spiders and made my way down the sidewalk feeling like a total ass! All of this time thinking him rude and he wasn't even looking at me! I glanced back only once, just in time to catch the bird being thrown back in my direction! This was the beginning of many underhanded nights of plotting on both of our parts, for months to come....Stay tuned...

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  2. Neighbor Chronicles-Part 2

    It is painfully obvious my eye wandering neighbor hates me, or so I think. After the initial meet and greet, things go on pretty much the same. Ants in his car...A dead animal under my porch. You know, minor technicalities. One afternoon i'm in the back yard pulling weeds, I feel them looking at me (I could be wrong) but I felt as if they were. I look up and the blinds pop close like a crack dealer waiting on his buyer. After going in, I decide to go ahead and shower...well, the door bell rings. It was the no English speaking wife! She has a dish in her hands, holding it out to me! I accept it with grace, not having a clue what to say! I say thank you and ask if she wants to come in. She shakes her head no and backs off the porch. It's a cake in the dish. It looks so good, but there is no way in hell I'm eating that cake! All of the disgusting things I could dream up ran through my mind, so I dump it in the trash! I couldn't believe it..would He really go that far? The next day I'm on my way to the mailbox and the neighbor on the left sees me outside. He approaches me smiling. I smile back of course, I'm sweet like that! ;) The first thing out of his mouth floors me! (Did you get the cake my wife made?) I'm giving him the blank stare, to which he replies "My wife made a cake for your boys welcome home from the hospital". You didn't answer the door and we were heading out, so I left it with (Jim's wife)! I flat out lied! After thanking him and lying about how delicious it was, I excused myself to be embarrassed in private! I went to the trash and stared at it, thinking how good it would have been...but also acknowledging the almost sure possibility they had "Sampled" it before it was passed on to me. Any doubt I had disappeared the next morning when on his way to the car, Jim asks..How was the cake...sure smelled good (With a wink)....And off to make a store run I went......You can guess why~ To be continued...
    Posted by DitterTheGreat at 6:22 PM

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  3. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2012

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 3
    So...I ran to Publix today to purchase a cake for my lovely neighbors! I also picked up a card and quickly filled it out. "Thank you for delivering the cake, We decided to show our appreciation by delivering another :) " I deposited it on their porch very quietly. After a couple of days, I saw "Him" outside preparing to mow...I waved, smiled and said "I hope you enjoyed the cake! I wasn't sure what flavor you liked, so I picked up my favorite" The look on his face was priceless! Now I didn't do anything to the cake, but he didn't know that. Did I feel bad? Absolutely not!! I had a chuckle over that for 2 days....Until...

    I am running late for work, which is nothing new, but this morning was different! I had alot to do this particular day, and needed to get it done in time to pick up Keaton for a Dr. appt. Opening the door to my car, I felt something wet! There was something tan looking on my fingers that smelled worse than anything I have ever smelled in my life. I began gagging and ran back inside to wash it off! It wouldn't come off!!! I used Alcohol, bleach and paint thinner!! The stain came off, but the smell remained. To this day I don't know what he used, but I bow to him! It was brilliant! I missed lunch that day, I couldn't eat with that smell on my fingers! It took 2 days to wear off! Needless to say, He was standing on his porch smiling when I got home! I'm not sure if he was looking at me, or something on his right, but that smile was definitely for me and me alone! Time to think...I HAD to come up with something better than that, so back to the store I went. Heading straight for the condoms, I picked up some ribbed for her pleasure! After a few sly looks from the cashier, I headed home with a giggle and a new plan. Since it was a Friday evening, I knew they would be heading out together Saturday morning to do their errands (or so I hoped). As soon as darkness fell, I opened the condoms and took one out! I stretched it a little and rubbed it with lotion. It was going in his car...only it was locked!! Damn it!! So I went to the passengers side and pushed the condom top in the bottom crack of the door, so it was just hanging there, waiting on the wife! It was watch and wait time. I didn't have to wait long, BINGO! She found it...and the fight was on...To be continued

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    1. Since he has a dog. I would bet it was anal gland be the description. Next time that happens get some Pond's cold cream and it will take care of it.

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  4. SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2012

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 4
    So Mrs. Eye float found the condom! Now I don't speak any other language other than English, but cursing is obviously universal! I could hear the "F" bomb being slung around in rapid intervals! She had that condom dangling from her pissed off fingers...Holding it up high, and slinging it around like it was alive! He had a blank look on his face! Classic!!! He had absolutely NO idea what she was holding or why it was there! She stomped off inside with him on her heels. Pity, that...I was truly enjoying his tongue lashing! They emerged a few hours later, eyeballing my house with disdain! I guess he convinced her it was me...Such a shame! :)

    2 days go by without incident. I'm walking out to check the mail and I have 2 flat tires. Standing there with my mouth hanging open, I glance up in time to see the blinds snap close! Thank God they weren't cut, only the caps were gone from the valve stems! After calling someone to come take me to the auto parts place, We aired up the tires and replaced the stems. It was war now!

    I waited until 2am and grabbed a flash light....I went from window to window shining it in and flicking it off. The police show up appx 20 minutes later, asking me if I saw anything. Of course I didn't! Needless to say, it went on for another hour. I finally gave up and went to bed, only to get up to two more flats...and a grudging respect for my idiot wall eyed neighbor...Stay tuned...

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  5. Neighbor Chronicles-Take 5
    Two more flat tires...Really?? How juvenile! After calling for help with the tires and replacing more valve stems, I go to work with my brain kicked into overdrive! What to do...What is really going to get my message across?? Oh yessss...and the perfect plan forms. They have a big German Shepard that lives on their screened porch. It's not my fault it has indoor/outdoor carpet :) After work, it's another stop at publix...straight to the pharmacy to pick up some laxatives! I wait until midnight and make my move..a nice hamburger ball with several Exlax tucked nice and neat inside! I can barely sleep for laughing, so I set the alarm a little early and spring up like the bed is on fire! Now I'M the one in the blinds like a crack addict! As soon as he emerged, it happened! Not only did he step in it, he slid down in it!!! Oh it was beautiful! I have never laughed so hard in my life! He had shit from neck to heels!! The funny thing was, he had no idea I was responsible, so I was a little disappointed..sort of :D.

    Weeks went by without incident, until I go to put the trash in the can on garbage day...it's full of rotted food and maggots! I have no doubt he did it, as I would never do something like that! It was my responsibility to clean the mess! Oh my God what to do now!! After calling in reinforcements, we gathered at my place to plan our move....Thank God he doesn't know of my fear of spiders...or does he..? Stay tuned...

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  6. I know the end result here so I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to see how it finally gets there!

    That's some funny shit ;)

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  7. LMFAO!!! You need to publish this shit Ditter!!!

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    1. lol Carmen He would no doubt find a way to get royalties! lol

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  8. So sad I do not live in closer proximity..hehe~

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    1. Yeah no doubt! I could have used your help...lol

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  9. And so I must ask...where are the other neighbors in all of this? Sitting on the porch selling tickets? Mine would be. My neighbor drinks like a fish and single-handedly keeps Marlboro on the market has one of those off-kilter eyes. I never know how to look at him...one eye? Both? And low and behold, his wife does too...or maybe they are both so pickled their eye muscles are passing out. you really should have been out washing the car when he slipped. And offered a bath. Just sayin....

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    1. lol Margie! You should pop out details for us!! We can compare strategies!

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    2. I tend to look at one eye and then the other for a little bit. It's a little disconcerting.

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  10. With each post this gets crazier and nuttier..This is like a reality show..Neighbor wars...I wonder who shall win after all is said and done?

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  11. Who shall win? You question the all mighty Ditter? Oh my how you don't know her dark side. I know who will win. Sends to me that the poor guy next door has done this before. Next time you piss him off, wait up. Don't sleep and catch him in the act of "anything". Maybe that will keep him on his toes. Start carrying black garbage bags filled with crumpled newspaper in them in your car. When you get home, make sure he is watching and take them out of your car. Make sure you act like they are real heavy. Carry them into the house mumbling to yourself "this guy is actually really heavy".

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  12. Neighbor Chronicles-Take 6
    The usual weeks that normally pass without incident, all of a sudden took a back seat. Cock eye struck without warning! He truly crossed the line this time! Somehow he gained knowledge of my grand fear of spiders! Arachnophobia is not a myth. I happen to suffer from it! When I say suffer...I mean full blown panic sets in kind of suffer! White streak left in the hair kind of suffer! You get the point :)

    After slaving it up at work all day, I come home to my worst nightmare! I pulled the car along side the mailbox to grab the pile of bills that were no doubt waiting in there, with their greedy little clear windows showing off the Bastards who felt I owed them money! My hand brushed across something that moved. It ran across the top of my hand before jumping out at me! It was the biggest spider I had ever seen! I began shaking and crying uncontrollably. I dove out the other side of the car and danced around thinking he no doubt had gotten on me somehow! He hadn't of course, but arachnophobia isn't intimate with common sense! I had to calm down...He has won! I had to get back in that car, knowing...just knowing that spider was waiting in there for me! Waiting with all eight eyes on me...all eight legs poised to spring! I had no choice...I jumped back in still crying...not just crying, but the UGLY cry! You know the one, equipped with snot and splotches on the cheeks and forehead! I ran up on the porch trying to get inside and strip out of the spider infested clothes, and see a can with a lid on it sitting by the front door. I should have never picked it up, but I had to know...I opened the lid and three more massive spiders ran out!! I shot off of that porch screaming...running and ugly crying, straight to the neighbor on the left! He was about to call 911 before I could get out what was happening! I stayed inside with his wife while he took care of the spider situation and sprayed out my car (Just in case). Needless to say, good clean fun turned into full blown revenge...I couldn't wait for the reinforcements to arrive...He was going down...Stay tuned~

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  13. Ugh! Mouth hanging open here!

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    1. He gets his...never doubt :)

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    2. MOUTH HANGING OPEN HERE TOO JOY!!! LITERALLY!!! THAAAAAAAT BAAAAASTARD!

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    3. lmao Azure!! Oh yeah, that bastard!

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  14. LMAO, I know just how you feel...spiders are the pits!!!

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    1. The most terrible joke God ever created!

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  15. I do not envy the neighbor after this latest escaped. can't wait to see what you came up with.

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    1. It was devilish Rosie...wrong actually :)

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  16. 0|o this is quite the battle. I hate spiders too and I can't imagine the terror you felt. I'll hug you when you get out of the spider clothes!!! Oh wait...and have new ones one. :-)

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    1. lmao I dont blame you Margie!! I wouldnt hug me either!!

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  17. Oh hell no, that cock eyed bastard. Heavy artillery time, just sayn!

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  18. I am so glad that you are there.....and I am here...hehehe...I HATE spiders so I can feel your pain! Get that revenge my friend!

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  19. Oh this is going nuts....I don't blame you..I hate spiders as well..

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  20. Neighbor Chronicles-Take 7
    As you read earlier, the spider incident was a line crosser for me. I had the troops gathered and downing bud light and smoking cigarettes like it was December 21, 2012 ;). We wait and wait...it's 1am now...it's on! So, my brother slips out back and picks up our weapon of choice. (Raw chicken that's been sitting in the sun all day). WE all gather at the window to watch as he army crawls to the neighbors house with said chicken! I could smell it from inside, oh it was bad. We watch as he slides under their house dragging that rotten chicken meat. By this point I am having a difficult time holding my bladder! I have never seen anything as funny as my skinny brother army crawling with rotten chicken in my life! Maybe it was the beer, I'm not sure, but for Gods sake that was hysterical. My closest friends were gathered around, trying to hold themselves up while doing a leg crossing dance! (I guess I wasn't the only one who had to pee).

    As my brother disappears under the house, the porch light comes on! It's floater, trying to quiet the growling dog! My brother freezes, looking back at us...Wrong thing to do!! I lost all control, all bodily function was gone! I fell on the floor crying with laughter. I cried so hard I was cramping in my ribs area. It didn't help that 2 of my girlfriends fell on top of me and one lost her bladder..which started a chain reaction! We finally were able to drag ourselves back up to the window and be the look outs we were supposed to be! He was in..gone from site! I snuck out there and squatted down near where he disappeared earlier, and...I could hear him laughing! Oh dear God, I should have been the last one to go out there! I fell on my ass and starting crying all over again! I could smell it!!! I couldn't see him very well, but I could damn sure hear him, and that's all it took. He finally came out and started dragging me by my arm, while I was limp, cramping and crying!

    We made it back inside and there they all were, all big eyed and pale from laughing. I finally asked the question everyone wanted to know...What did you do with it? He very calmly replied "I cut a slit in it and put it in the duct work" Everyone just stared, before I went down again. Needless to say, it was a hell of an incredibly fun and painful night. I fell asleep thinking of the smell they were going to wake up to and have no idea how to be rid of it, and wondering a little about the retaliation...and there was retaliation....Stay tuned :)

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  21. You can come up with some evil shit Ditter...remind me to never piss you off. lol

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  22. FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2012

    The Neighbor Chronicles-Take 8
    Well, the rotten chicken certainly served it's purpose. It was bad...REAL bad. Bad enough I could smell it when I got in and out of my car. I don't know how they could possibly stand it! It made me snicker every time I stepped outside. He knew I was responsible somehow, but had no idea what I had done or how to fix it...he just knew. After a week of no retaliation, I began to worry. It was unlike him not to hit back immediately. I think he allowed me to worry, as some sort of punishment.

    A week after the smell had died down, he struck! I come home from work and there is a gift by my front door. The card said, "Dinner this weekend?" How I fell for this, I will never know. So, I unlock the door and go sit on the couch to open the gift. I rip the box open and theres a snake inside! The hiss scared me more than anything! I threw the box across the room and ran! Great, theres a snake loose in my house and my neighbor on the left isn't home yet! After freaking out on the porch for 30 minutes, I realize I left my cell phone in the house with the snake! Now it wasn't a spider thank God, but I don't do snakes very well either! I crack the door open and spot my purse on the coffee table. I'm almost sick by this point, but I get enough courage to run in, grab it and get out before getting eaten alive! I called my brother, who came and caught the damn thing and set it free! He wanted to call the police, because he felt he had crossed the line with it. I of course said no...Retaliation would be sweet...and boy was it...Stay tuned..

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  23. Damn, must have been good. i wouldve called the police.

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  24. Damn, must have been good. i wouldve called the police.

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    1. I had no right after what all I had done lmao

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  25. I swear this could be a movie!

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  26. Gettn crazy up in here! U 2 were meant to be neighbours, just look at the great entertainment he provides us, through you!

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  27. Neighbor Chronicles-Take 9
    The snake incident threw me. I began to wonder if things were getting out of hand...Briefly :) I thought I would wait a while...Give him enough time to grow lax. It wasn't an easy thing to do, considering I'm not a patient person to begin with. So, I wait, and wait some more...2 months in fact. It was the longest 2 months of my life.

    So, I had several weeks to plan the finale, and it was a doozie! I pulled the damsel in distress card once again. After waiting on him to come in from work and enough time to shower and eat...I sashayed over there around 8pm and knocked. He came to the door looking like something an alley cat drug up, but I was determined to win! I gave him the puppy dog eyes and very sweetly said "Can you help me with my shower, the water is spraying everywhere". He just stood there looking at me for a few seconds before saying "Let me get my shoes". I was already smiling inside...I knew I had won this war! I waited on his porch with his massive dog for a few minutes before he emerged. I, of course took the lead and walked in front of him back to my place. His poor little wife was left standing in the door shooting darts at me :) Once inside, I led the way to the bathroom...He immediately bent over the tub to check the water. I took the opportunity to strike. (Prior to going over, I put on red lipstick and a lot of perfume) I leaned in and kissed the collar of his shirt on my way over his shoulder to give him a hand. He figured out the washer was missing (Grin) and told me what to do to replace it. I was so grateful to him that I hugged him and smeared my lips on his collar once again! He pressed by me to leave and I took his hand "Can I talk to you for a minute?" The look on his face was classic. To say he was nervous would be an understatement. We went in the living room and he sat on the edge of the couch fidgeting. I spoke first "Look, I'm really sorry for everything that has transpired between us over the months. It was all a misunderstanding that got out of hand and I would like a chance to start over". He didn't know what to say, so he just nodded. I then went to the fridge and got us a beer. He looked even more confused by that. I handed him his beer and said "Truce". He popped the top and it was instant relief for me *Chuckles*. Not only did he go home with lipstick on his collar, perfume on his shirt...but beer on his breath :) Needless to say, I could hear them fighting for hours before I went to bed completely satisfied....until....

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  28. Awesome. You my dear are a true master.

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  29. SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 10
    So, I accomplished what I wanted. Mr. cock eye was in serious trouble with the wife. Funny thing was, he was far too naive to realize what I'd done...and the worse he got treated at home, the better he was to me. *Grin*. Things just got interesting.

    To put it bluntly, It went from an all out war with eyeballs to dancing out of his reach almost daily. He wanted me. It became painfully obvious when he winked at me with his good eye. Or was it his bad? I could never tell the difference. I just couldn't bring myself to look long enough to notice which one moved and which one was set in it's ways :). Anyway, I'm getting off track here. He became flirtatious and overbearing. A leech, if you will. I was beginning to get creeped out, just a smidgen. One evening I was watching a movie and the doorbell rang. I looked through the peep hole and there he was. After cracking open the door a few inches to make sure he had no spiders or snakes, I pasted a smile on and jerked it open. I was immediately assailed by his cheap cologne, but he had beer...and not just any beer, but bud light baby!!! In my defense, most of you reading this right now, know bud light is my weakness. (Don't question it, just go with it). I let him in, and relieved him of the beverages. I snagged one, handed him one, and put the rest in the freezer. He appeared nervous at first glance, which only brought out my mischievous side.. I offered him a seat and took my usual place in the recliner. About half way through the movie, I excused myself to go pee. Yes, I said pee :). As I exited the bathroom and came around the archway to the living room I ran in to wall eye. He was standing there waiting on me. My heart nearly jumped through my chest when his arms came around me and his mouth slanted across mine. I froze. The first thing that registered was HIS BREATH. Oh. My. God. His breath. (Once again, most of you reading this know how I am about breath) I gagged and shoved him back...and gagged again. The best I could manage was to point toward the door as I ran back to the bathroom. I immediately gargled, gagged some more, brushed my teeth, and gargled again. He was gone when I came out. No sooner did I sigh in relief, the door bell rang again. The wise thing to do would be to look through the peep hole, right? Hmmm, I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed. I assumed it would be leech, so I jerked it open once again. I never expected this little highly pissed off Asian woman to attack me, but that's exactly what happened. She flew on me like a Walmart bag on the interstate...We went down in a tangle of arms and legs on my living room floor. Who would have ever thought I'd get my ass handed to me by a tiny spit of a thing, but that's exactly what happened...or was it? Tune in next week to find out ;)

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  30. WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles--Take 11
    I'm totally kidding! Surely you didn't think she kicked my ass? She kicked someones, but it wasn't mine. *Grin*

    So let's rewind--The doorbell rang and I looked through the peep hole. It was her. I opened the door and backed up to allow her entrance. She just shook her head at me with tears in her eyes. I was stunned. I never meant to hurt her, only him. She didn't bother attempting to speak (I couldn't understand her anyway). She backed up a step and pointed toward her place. Great, now what? Before I could begin to try and grasp what she was trying to tell me, he walked up on my porch. The look she shot me was a blatant "Help me".

    Cock eye reached out and grabbed her by the arm. He gave it a hard jerk, that caused her to stumble back. I stood there with eyes the size of plates. He jerked her again, harder! She spun around and threw him off. It took him 2 seconds to catch his balance and come at her again. I launched at him the same time she did. I registered a car pulling up, but didn't have time to fully take it in. He swung at her with an open palm, which completely missed it's mark and caught me across the mouth and nose. I saw stars for a minute, while she continued to try and get free. My eyes were watered up and blood was coming from my nose. I launched on his back in an attempt to keep him from killing us both. It shocked me when I was grabbed from behind, lifted off and tossed back.

    The incredibly loud sound that came next, could only be described as a gun shot! It was my brother and he'd shattered cock eyes nose! Here we are, on my front porch fighting like the after prom party in the ghetto! My brother is straddling eyeballs and pounding his face, when out of nowhere, the wife dives on his back in an attempt to help her abuser! I saw red! All pity for the woman left in the blink of an eye. I kicked her with everything in me. She screamed as she landed on her back with me on top of her. I heard the sirens in the distance, approaching fast. My brothers head snapped around and we made eye contact. We were about to go to jail....

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  31. *chompin twizzlers* this is some good shit :-) Love it

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  32. SUNDAY, JANUARY 20, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 12
    As you all know, I am sitting on the chest of a tiny Asian woman, holding her down. She is like a fire breathing dragon, looking up at me with such animosity. My brother jumps off of Cock eye and waits on the cops to arrive. The sirens are getting closer. He looks nervous. Understanding comes in a flash. He thinks he's going to jail. I just shake my head at him "It was self defense". I'm not sure if that calmed him any, but he didn't bolt. Meanwhile the little shit I was sitting on was doubling her efforts to throw me off. My knees were on her arms and I outweighed her by a good 40 pounds. She wasn't going anywhere....so, she did the only thing she had left to do...She spit in my face!! Oh hell no---- I saw red again! Without thinking, I wrapped my fingers around her throat and choked her! I had lost all control and she somehow bucked me off enough to scratch the side of my face.

    I vaguely remember my brother yelling at me to stop. Too late, I was pulled off the little hell cat by an officer and pushed against the wall by the front door. Oh shit, I was going to jail for assault. Several emotions poured through me at once...(Fear) I was going to jail.... (Vanity) She scratched my face....and (Embarrassment) I knew the officer holding hell cat. Hey squinted at me for a second before a surprised look passed through his eyes. "Ditter, what the hell is going on?". He traded places with the unknown, so he could talk privately with me. I explained what happened as best I could, while he stood there shaking his head.

    Standard procedure is to get I.D. from all parties involved. The officer with me took my statement and ran a check on me. Even though I was a 911 dispatcher, he had no choice. When he looked back at me, I asked the question that was burning hot in my mind, "Am I going to jail?" He didn't answer me. He moved away a few feet, talking into his radio. I almost swallowed my tongue when he took the cuffs off his belt. It wasn't me that he slapped them on though...It was hell cat! She had 2 warrants for her arrest! One for bad checks and one for harassment! They hauled her off my porch looking like a drowned rat. The officer who took care of me asked if I wanted to press charges on cock eye. I just shook my head and they removed him from my property. He was escorted to the police cruiser to be questioned...as they exited my porch, he looked back and said.....

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  33. Said what????! Noooo!!! Love these chronicles!!

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  34. Way to keep us hanging, Ditter! Lol

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    1. lmao Cynthia...I'll write more in a day or two lol

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  35. Ermmmm don't leave up hanging Miss Ditter!!! Grrrrrrr

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    1. I'm a hanger type person...what can I say haha

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  36. Leaving us hanging was our payback for ganging up on you to put one out today when you weren't planning to. I see how you are!

    As always, great blog. Cannot wait to hear what he said! :)

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    1. Lmao you know me so well!! I'll tell you what he said in a day or two. <3

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  37. I love it. But to keep us waiting? You are not being very nice. ;) As always, great blog. You could you please put a rush on Take 13? Paleez?????

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  38. OMG!! Ditter, that was AWESOME!! I'm all caught up now. I can't wait to know what he says too. :D

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  39. SATURDAY, MARCH 9, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 13
    Where did I leave off....Oh yes, Cock eye was being led off my porch to be questioned. As he got to the bottom step, he turned back and met my eyes. The words he spoke next, made me uneasy... "We'll continue or poker game later. You may want to fold, I never bluff" My brother was still standing behind me and the sudden lurch forward from him scared the shit out of me. I put my arm out to stop him from doing something stupid and going to jail. He just looked at me and said "You have to move. You can't stay here and risk him hurting you or worse, your son". That made me pause. I knew he was right. I had to move before this got too far out of hand. I had no idea what my crazy neighbors were capable of and suddenly, I didn't want to find out.
    The next day passed without incident. I didn't see any sign of the wife, so I assumed she was still incarcerated. My brother packed a few things and moved in with me for a week. He was really concerned about eyeballs. We began looking for a place to move to as soon as my lease was up (Which wasn't for another 2 months). Every time I left for work, he would stand on his porch and stare at me with a smile on his face. That scared me more than anything had previously. Not to mention it made him appear insane (Could have been the whole eye thing responsible for that).
    After picking my son up from school and stopping by the convenient store for a few items, I headed home. This was on a Wednesday, if I recall. My brother was still at work, so there was no one home. I had my keys in hand to unlock the door, but it was open. I immediately took my son by the hand and ran back to the car. My heart was pounding and I dialed the police, never taking my eyes off the front door. I locked our doors and started the ignition while we waited on the cops to arrive. They pulled in after a few minutes and entered my house. We remained in the vehicle until they gave the all clear sign.
    With dread I climbed out, holding my sons hand and walked up on the porch. The officers who had entered my home, met me at the door. My hand slapped over my mouth the second I stepped inside. I couldn't believe it.....

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  40. SATURDAY, MARCH 16, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 14
    I stared in horror at the devastation in my living room. My refrigerator was standing open and most of the contents were gone. I suppose you could say they were still there, just not in the neat order I had them originally They were poured and smeared all over my furniture. Eggs, milk, jelly, butter...You name it! It was horrible and I had to fight back tears. It wasn't like I could afford new furniture.

    The police took a report, questioning me about motive. Did I have any idea who would do this and why? They finger printed and walked around the outside looking for evidence of the guilty party. I of course had reached my limit and told them of the war that had been going on for almost a year. After gathering all the information they needed, they informed me they would investigate. I knew there was nothing they could do. I had no proof they did it and the police were painfully aware of that fact also. They finally took their leave and I began the painstaking chore of cleaning up the disaster.

    The more I scrubbed and threw things out, the more enraged I became. I was moving soon, but there was no way in hell I was allowing them to go unpunished. My brother eventually came home. He stood in the door for quite some time with a blank look. I recited what had happened as quickly as possible, while still cleaning up the destruction left by cock eye. I watched his face go from shock to pissed off instantly. He spun around to go over there but my next words stopped him. "No, don't. You will go to jail and he gets away with this". We argued about it for a few minutes until I said "Tit for tat". He calmed instantly and asked "What do you have in mind?" I just smiled and replied "Let's just say I'm going out with a bang."

    Our plan was put in motion that night. My brother called a friend of his to enlist his help. My hands needed to remain clean, you realize *Grin*. We waited until they left for church that following Sunday before we struck. Satisfied with the results we wait patiently for their arrival. I had already been packing to move. With the two police reports, we were able to break the lease early. It was time to go before someone got hurt. Vengeance was mine, however. We heard their car pull in to the drive, and jumped to the window like a couple of crackheads to watch the show. Cock eye unlocked the door and stood back for his hellion to enter first. The howl of rage that came next was like a balm to my soul. Eyeballs came running back out and my brother and I made eye contact. We stared at each other for a second before laughter bubbled up...Then the unthinkable happened.......

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  41. Monday, April 1, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles-Take 15
    To say Cock eye was in a rage would be a gross understatement. His face was purple, which only enhanced the range of motion his eyes were capable of. If I hadn't been doubled over with laughter and not a small amount of satisfaction, I may have had the sense to be afraid, but that was not the case.
    You see, my brother's friend (Our accomplice) gathered all the big German Shepard's shit he could find and scooped it up in a Walmart bag. I don't feel it's necessary to explain, but I will anyway :)
    By the time he exited the place, there wasn't a piece of furniture not adorned in what my son likes to refer to as Doo Doo. It was even pressed down in the back of the Television. The remote wasn't spared either.
    The cup of shit in the refrigerator may have been a little extreme, but my confusion over the small candle inserted in the top of it trumped that slightly. I didn't ask, because...yeah...I just didn't.
    So, here we stand watching it all unfold when it finally registers...Mr. Pissed off is marching toward my house fisting a pretty impressive stick. I snatch up my cell to call for help a second before my Dad and a couple of relatives pull in to the drive to help me move. That was a show stopper. Mr. Ugly retreated back to his porch.
    After disappearing back inside briefly, he stepped back out on his porch with a pistol in the waist of his pants. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I could only stare at him while he looked back at me and mouthed.......
    Posted by Ditter at 6:53 P

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  42. OMG! You can't stop there!

    When's the next installment?

    I need more!

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    1. In the next two days I think. I got behind on some other things or I would have been on take 16 by now <3

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  43. No! Man, you love cliffhangers! That guy is NUTS!

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  44. I love reading these. You definitely are talented. *grin*

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  45. Saturday, April 20, 2013

    Neighbor Chronicles- Take 16
    So, Cock eye came out with a pistol in the waistband of his pants. He looked at me and mouthed "You're mine" before disappearing back inside. Oh hell. My Dad and crew came in to begin loading up some of the boxes I had packed. I really wanted to talk to him about what was happening, but I knew he would storm over there and with creepshow having a gun, that wasn't an option.
    I stayed inside and continued packing, while they loaded the van with the efficiency of ants. In no time, it was full and one of them yelled out "We are taking this load, we'll be back soon." First of all, Oh hell no. I wasn't about to stay behind to end up the neighborhood corpse. They all looked back at me as I came running out behind them, with my purse. "I'm going with you" was all I got out, before I jumped into the front of the van and planted my ass in the passenger seat. Yeah, no doubt they thought I was crazy and I wouldn't argue about that at this point.
    Once we got to my parents house, I checked on my son and gave him a bath. My mom said he could stay the night, so I could finish packing. That was a huge relief, since there was no way I was taking him back to the Nightmare on Elm Street for round two.
    My brother eased up behind me and whispered "If we're going to stay there tonight, I'm bringing a gun." Good plan. I nodded and climbed back in the van, while he went to retrieve his weapon of choice. I was totally rethinking this whole Dirty Harry foolishness, when he came jogging across the lawn. Too late. He had a determined set to his jaw...and a pimple too, come to think of it. He got onboard and we pulled out of the drive.
    I was relieved to see their car was gone when we arrived back at my place. We said our farewells to Dad and headed inside, flipping on lights as we went.
    Nothing seemed out of place or disturbed, so we jumped feet first into packing up the rest of the place. The faster we got it done, the sooner we could get out of there.
    After about an hour, we heard a vehicle pull in next door. Both of us eased over to the window to confirm it was Ugly. His porch light came on and he looked right at us with his finger and thumb pointed our way in a gun imitation. Shit just got real.
    We made sure all the windows and doors were locked up tighter than Fort Knox. The outside lights were on and we had a weapon, so back to packing we went.
    A short time later, the doorbell rang. I wasn't about to answer it, but my brother had other ideas. He marched over, unlocked it and jerked it open. Mister Hideous and his beer belly were standing there breathing like an enraged bull. He opened his mouth to speak and my brother planted his fist in the hole. The guy stumbled back a few steps and.......

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  46. And? *throws self down a flight of stairs*...

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  47. Where did I leave off? Oh yes. Mr. Ugly reincarnate opened his mouth and my brother planted a fist in the hole. Blood sprayed the door as he flew back onto his ass. He didn't get up. We stood there looking at him for several heartbeats before we sprang into action. I retrieved the gun while my brother drug him none too gently down the steps and across the yard, by his feet.
    The second I saw his wife come flying out her front door, I grabbed the broom and sailed off the porch in her direction. No, I didn't use it to fly with. Although... (You know why a Witch shaves her Hoo Hah? To get a better grip on the broom.) Just thought I'd throw that in there. So, She landed on my brother's back, right about the time I swung. Nailing her across the shoulders. She screamed and turned loose with a quickness. After writhing on the ground at my feet, she stood and staggered back to her porch, leaving ugly asleep near an ant bed. He was beginning to come to by this point and my brother reached over and took the broom from my throbbing fingers. Yeah, they hurt like hell...I can only imagine what it felt like to her.
    He poked him in the side a few times until the guys eyes opened, then moved it around to his cheek and applied some pressure. He didn't move, just stared up at one of us, not sure which...In defeat. My brother finally spoke. "I have your gun. The only thing preventing me from calling the cops right now, is the fact that we aren't innocent in all this either. Now we're moving tomorrow and if you want the weapon back, you'll have to break in to get it. It's over, you got that?"
    He wheezed out a "Yeah" and pushed up onto his knees. My brother helped him up and he didn't shrug him off. Good sign right? Doubtful.
    We moved the next day and haven't seen cock eye since....Until....Ha!

    I hope you enjoyed the Neighbor Chronicles as much as I enjoyed telling them. <3

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  48. The extended version of the Neighbor Chronicles will be published soon, equipped with lame dates, lame sex and even lamer cellulite sightings. I'll let you guys know when it releases!

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